The Man in the Mirror

Nearly five years ago, I stood in front of a mirror… for two straight hours.

Just me, my reflection, and a blue dry erase marker.

On the right side of the mirror, I wrote the things I loved about myself.

On the left side, the things I hated.  And the left side was SIX times bigger.

As I wrote the things I hated, a lump filled in my chest.  Remnants of my failures as a leader surfaced. That time in a boardroom meeting when I shut down a great idea because it wasn’t my own.  The times I jumped in and took over when a team member was not doing things the way I would have done them.  The time I allowed a toxic team member to sew discontent without stepping in because I didn’t want to be confrontational.

One memory surged to the front of my mind –

I sat with two members of the executive team. Their words haunted me for days: "Your team feels like you’re passive-aggressive and only care about yourself.”

This came from a simple performance feedback meeting.  No raised voices. No confrontations. Just two calm leaders delivering truth like a scalpel.

I smiled through it. Nodded. Even thanked them. But inside, it shattered something I had been clinging to for too long: The illusion that I was the kind of leader people wanted to follow.

I left the room, walked to my car, and sat in silence for over an hour. Their words kept echoing: “Only care about yourself.” And worse, I couldn’t argue with it.

I wasn’t showing up for my team. I was showing up for my own ego. I wasn’t listening. I was controlling. I wasn’t leading. I was managing perception.

That moment changed me. Not instantly. Not easily. But deeply.

It became the day I stopped defending who I thought I was…and started becoming someone worth following.

In front of the mirror, I didn’t look away.  I didn’t flinch. I didn’t let myself retreat into the distractions of performance, title, or reputation.  But I really really wanted to. I wanted to wave my hand frantically over the blue ink, desperate to wipe away the last vestige of my shortcomings.

I faced every piece of myself I had tried to outwork or outrun.

And it wrecked me.

There were no filters in that moment. No curated content. No inspirational quotes.

Just the truth. Brutal, unfiltered, ugly truth.

I was leading others, while loathing myself. 

I was advocating for people, while abandoning the parts of me that were crying out for healing.

One of the few things I wrote on the love side of the mirror was this:

“You care deeply about people.”

That line saved me.

Because even though I was tired, fractured, and angry - like a shattered piece of pottery - that truth reminded me that all wasn’t lost.

Buried beneath the failure, the ego, and the hustle, there was still a man who cared.

And caring became the crack where light broke through.

That mirror moment wasn’t about surface-level self-improvement.

It wasn’t a motivational speech or a chapter in a personal development book.

It was a reckoning.

I had to unlearn the lie that leadership meant always being strong.

I had to release the myth that perfection earns love and performance creates worth.

I had to look at the leader I was, so that I could transform into the leader I needed to be.

Not the polished one.  Not the untouchable one.

But the present one.  The honest one.

The one who wakes up every day and tries to fill the right side of the mirror with more and more truth.

Some days, I still see the old lies peeking back at me.

“You’re not enough.”

“You’ll never change.”

“If they knew the real you, they’d leave.”

But now, I talk back.

I write new things on the right side.

• You are still here.

• You love well.

• You lead with a limp, and that limp is sacred.

If you’re a leader staring into your own mirror right now…

If the left side feels like it’s taking over…

You are not disqualified.

You are not too far gone.

You are not alone.

Leadership isn’t about being the best in the room.

It’s about being brave enough to own your reflection.

Leadership is about looking at your team and showing up how they need you to show up.

Leadership requires the courage to stand before your own reflection and face it honestly.

So, grab the marker.

Write something true.

Start with one thing you love and let that be your beginning.

This is The Damaged Leader. We don’t pretend we’re perfect.

Chris