The Quote Above My Desk

Natalie’s post last week got me thinking.

I sat at my desk, staring at the corkboard (shoutout to The Container Store for designing me a creative zone) and landed on the quote I’ve carried with me:

“I didn’t realize who I was until I stopped being who I wasn’t.”

That one line has followed me through jobs, moves, and seasons of my life.

When I was younger, I wanted to be so many different things, and not just different careers, different in a big way.

I wanted to be skinny. I believed that if I could just shrink myself, maybe I’d finally measure up. What I learned instead is that leadership—and life—have nothing to do with a number on a scale. You don’t inspire people by being smaller. You inspire them by taking up your space, as you are. That lesson has helped me sit with those who battle self-image or feelings of “not enough” and remind them that their worth was never tied to appearance in the first place.

I wanted to be rich and not poor. I thought that if I stacked up enough money, the struggles would disappear. But money can’t silence pain or guarantee joy. I’ve watched people with wealth beyond what I could imagine carry heartbreak no amount of dollars could mend. That realization freed me from chasing empty markers of success and opened my eyes to the quiet struggles behind the perfect facades. It’s made me a better leader—one who can look past the surface and actually see the human standing in front of me.  It was the first spark of People Matter.

I wanted to be straight and not gay. I knew life would be easier if I could just fit into that mold—less judgment, fewer sideways glances, no constant calculations about whether to share or stay silent. But the “easier life” I imagined would have come at the cost of my soul. What I learned instead is that authenticity is oxygen—without it, you suffocate. Owning who I am didn’t just set me free; it made me capable of embracing others exactly as they are. That lesson has carried me through decades of leading diverse teams, reminding me that people don’t need a perfect leader—they need a real one.

 Not being who I thought I wanted to be became the bridge to truly understanding people, and if not to fully understand at least to empathize with. That lens of empathy I couldn’t have developed any other way. It is my second largest connector with the people I lead and interact with.  

My feisty, articulate, and giving grandma, who passed away last year, drilled that truth into me in her own way. She used to say:

“You can’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their tattered moccasin.”

Now, in today’s world, that phrase may raise eyebrows. But for her, it carried weight.  The weight of Indigenous injustices, the weight of extreme poverty, the weight of trauma no woman should have to endure. In her 40's and 50's she was a seamstress for a wealthy family, altering clothes for a mother whose wardrobe looked impeccably perfect on the outside. I remember once saying, “Wow, I envy them.”

Grandma stopped me cold. “Don’t envy them. That woman has buried three of her four children in the last two years. No amount of money can ease that pain.” That moment marked me. It reminded me that success, beauty, wealth—all of it can be a mask for suffering no one else sees. Behind every polished exterior is a story we don’t know.

And that’s where the brilliance of a damaged leader is forged. Not in the titles or the corner offices, but in the scars, the missteps, the long long road back to yourself.

 So, here’s my question for you this week:

What challenges have you lived through that became strengths you now lead from?

What part of your story—once hidden—has become the very thing that makes you worth following?

Knowing the answers to these questions - will serve as a connection superhighway between you and those you lead.

Because sometimes, you have to peek behind the curtain of The Damaged Leader and discover that the cracks aren’t weaknesses. They’re the lines where the light gets in.

and that damaged leaders is a great time to remind you of our 1st blog ever written. The one that gave Natalie and I the desire to help other Damaged Leaders in our own way.

It may be time to check it out once more.  

Embracing the Damage - The Beauty of Imperfection in Leaders